What She Left Behind by Emily Freud

Author:Emily Freud
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Quercus Editions Ltd
Published: 2022-03-25T14:08:18+00:00

Chapter 22

A few weeks later I wake to hear Roxy crying and I push myself out of bed. Creeping downstairs, I hope to catch her before she wakes Noah too. When I click on the light, she’s standing up in her cot, her face red and wet. I pull her into my arms. She catches her breath, and sighs with relief as her head falls into the seat of my neck. I rock her gently. Hearing Noah’s soft voice calling, I turn.

We huddle in the kitchen. As I make breakfast Noah sings to Roxy, and we all laugh. The sun comes up slowly, sliding easily up through the glass. Big squares of light hang sharply against the furniture and muted paint. Bringing with it the hope of a new day. Although I know from experience, it is all downhill from here. Boredom looms. Days on my own with them are broken up into chunks of time that I tick off mentally as the hours progress. Pre-morning, breakfast, mid-morning snack, lunch, Roxy’s nap . . . Then the monstrously long afternoon, which takes us down the other side of the hill and into bedtime.

Sometimes, if I’m lucky, Richard will help me in the evenings. But then he’ll make a big show of how magical every moment with the children is. How lucky I am to have this special time with my children when so many mothers must leave theirs to work.

I’ve not got very far with that, either. I thought once we got here, I’d get this whole new lease of life and be ready to tackle the next chapter head on. I imagined myself filling out online applications and marching confidently into job interviews. But instead, I feel bogged down by self-doubt. The few times I’ve managed to borrow Richard’s computer I’ve scrolled through job vacancies and courses at local colleges, but every time I’ve put myself into the shoes of each version of Eliza leaving the house, I’ve seen myself failing miserably. Richard has walked in to check on my progress and reminded me of the reasons I wouldn’t be suited. Or he’s checked through a job application and given me sympathetic looks as he’s scrolled through, pointing out my grammatical mistakes and deleting most of it. A sales position at a local company. ‘Come on, Eliza, you’ll fall to bits the second someone’s rude to you. You need thick skin for sales.’ Or a course in nutrition I’ve been looking at. ‘Don’t you need some sort of background – I’m not sure you’ll meet the criteria for this.’

I look out at the rain tapping on leaves outside, feeling dismal. The momentary joy of the last few minutes with the children goes missing. Richard walks into the room and I stiffen. We stop singing; the words leave my mouth in a drizzle and trail off. He’s wearing a knit vest over a shirt and tie. He fastens his watch and then pushes his glasses up his nose.

‘Dada!’ Roxy squeals. He smiles at her, messing up Noah’s hair as he walks past.

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